Even the fake furlong is fixed

Just when it seemed that the reputation of sport couldn’t be brought much lower, with the field of Test cricket besmirched by rumours of bribery and corruption, and the greens of professional golf turned positively blue with tales of porn stars and pole-dancers, come today’s dreadful revelations about the Mascot Grand National.
This venerable contest between football club mascots, where scores of persons clad in gigantic outfits of foam and fake fur struggle along a 220-yard course and over six fences, has been infiltrated in recent years by contestants who are bent on winning, which is hardly in the spirit of the British sport. More to the point, some of these participants are not the actual mascots who attend matches, but ringers in stripped-down costumes, designed for velocity rather than levity.

Perhaps a solution would be to replace the fabulous creatures of the club mascot universe with the actual beasts used by the British Army. A race of regimental mascots would make for a lively event, after all, testing the paces of Irish wolfhounds, Staffordshire bull terriers, rams, goats, Shetland ponies and ferrets. Sadly, the current culture of gamesmanship might bring on a sudden spurt of evolution, with Millwall swapping Zampa the Lion for a cheetah, Swansea’s swan turning into Cyril the Ostrich, and Oldham’s owl into Chaddy the Peregrine Falcon.


1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    Ammara said,

    LOL erm…
    wat a sad day for british sport? 😛

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